The darkest timeline. A set piece, a destination, a thing, whatever, from the comedy Community. Basically the characters in Community have dopplegangers that come from the darkest timeline, which is set in motion by Jeff, who rolls a die six times and creates six different timelines, one of which sees most of his friends decimated in some fashion. Abed becomes evil in this timeline, as do the rest of the gang due to things that happen to them. What if You-Know-Who is from the darkest timeline? How would we send him back? Doesn't matter. It must be done.
“So we're all agreed that he's not of this Earth but from a parallel Earth that really, really misses him because he was supposed to be their supreme leader, right?” Chuck Schumer said.
“Yep,” Nancy Pelosi said.
“Yeah,” Adam Schiff agreed.
“Okay, cool,” Schumer said. “So how do we get him back where he belongs?”
“Portals, man,” Pelosi said. “Portals always work.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Schiff asked, his voice raising an octave. “Portals never work.”
“What'd I miss?” Maxine Waters asked as she came around a corner and joined the trio.
“Nancy and Adam are arguing about portals,” Schumer told her.
“Again?” Waters asked.
“It is a proven fact that portals will not and never have worked and if you think that they're going to get rid of...” Schiff paused as a Republican congressman walked by. “If you think that portals are going to work to get rid of him, then I have some ocean-front property to sell you.”
“You do have ocean-front property, Adam,” Waters said.
“I know,” Schiff said. “That's what I was saying.”
“That's not how it works, Adam,” Schumer said, shaking his head in disbelief.
“How does it work then, Mr. Big Shot New Yorker?” Schiff said in a mocking tone.
“The concept is simple...” Schumer started to explain.
“Guys,” Waters said. “Let's get back to business. If not portals, Adam, then what?”
“I don't know,” Schiff said.
“Then why did you bust my balls on the portals?” Pelosi asked.
“He did it because he's a little twerp, Nance,” Schumer said.
“I got your twerp right here,” Schiff shouted, grabbing his own crotch.
“Guys!” Maxine Waters shouted. Maxine Waters never shouts. Both Schumer and Schiff looked like they had been screamed at by their mother, hanging their heads and scuffing their shoes on the ground. “This is exactly why we are in the situation we're in. Why we never beat the people that should be beaten. Why we're even having this conversation. If you-know-who came here with the expressed purpose of throwing this timeline into chaos, to make it more like his own, then Mission Fucking Accomplished for him. Now shake each other's hands, say you're sorry and let's come up with a real plan.”
“Sorry,” Schumer said, extending his hand.
“Yeah,” Schiff said, gripping the New York senator's hand.
“So what's the plan then?” Pelosi said. “If you don't want to do portals, we don't have to do portals.”
*
A week later, the quartet of conspirators surrounded the doppleganger of You-Know-Who and attempted to shove him into a car, a silver DeLorean. They were finally able to stuff him into the front seat and Adam Schiff, who whined until they all conceded that he could drive, jumped behind the steering wheel.
“Get it up to 88 miles per hour and then bail. Got it?” Pelosi said.
“I've seen Back To The Future enough to know how this works,” Schiff said.
“Just trying to help,” Pelosi said and shut the bat-wing door.
Schiff revved the engine and sped off down the street. He watched the speedometer climb. 55, 60, 65, 70, 75, 80, 85, 86, 87...the engine sounded like it was going to blow through the hood. 88! He tried to jump out of the car but it was too late. The portal opened up and swallowed the car, Schiff and the doppleganger.
“Huh, I guess portals do work,” Schiff said as he looked around at the desolate landscape surrounding the DeLorean.
“And I guess you're going to turn around and take us right back where we came from,” You-Know-Who's doppleganger said, his right hand having morphed into a silver cannon.
As he turned the DeLorean around and put it into gear, his foot firm on the accelerator, his eyes on the cannon that used to be the faux President's hand, Adam Schiff thought, “Well, Nancy. I hope you enjoy your view of the ocean.”
Send Him Back To The Darkest Timeline is one of 50 stories in the forthcoming 50 Ways To Dump The Donald, coming before Election Day from Granczynski Grindhouse Press.
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